I have always been a coward, and I probably always will be.
I say this not lightly, or with any self pity.
A coward is not any less of a person, or a worse person. A coward is simply someone who fears a lot in life, and fears often.
Here are some fears that shape my life: I agonize over every decision, because I’m afraid of making the wrong choice. I’m afraid if I make the wrong choice, the world will be harsh and unforgiving. I’m afraid of performing less than perfect, because I think my value is defined by others, and there is only a narrow, black and white standard of acceptability. I’m afraid of uncertainty because I assume the worse will happen. I’m afraid of being alone because my inner voice is my harshest critic. I’m afraid that I’ll live a life I’ll be disappointed with.
To identify as a coward, however, does not necessarily mean to have the fate of a coward.
In fact, because so much scares cowards, and they’re sacred often, cowards know what it takes to be brave. Cowards have to be brave much more often than non-cowards, and willfully brave in life occasions most may not even take notice of.
Where cowards get a bad rap when let their fear dictate their actions. Fear has been such a constant companion of mine, it me took a long time to not blindly listen to it. I would resent my fears, knowing they were irrational, but hold them close, because they were a comfortable pain.
With time, I felt like fear was living my life instead of me. Every time I would listen to my fears of the risks and dangers of doing something, the safety it promised was fleeting, but the regret of not doing it lingered long after. And as a true coward, I’ve learned to choose the lesser evil, to choose momentary pain over lasting regret.
I have learned to sit with my fear and try to understand what it’s trying to tell me. Instead of enclosing and alienating me from my own life, I can use my fear to illuminate the my subconsciousness and be a compass to my life decisions.
Truthfully, my fears have shown me how hard I am on my self. A lot of my fears could be eliminated if I was easier on myself. If I forgave myself for my mistakes, if I let go of unrealistic expectations, there would be no fear, but only observations and acceptance. If I accepted exactly who I was, or whatever happened to me, I’d be less of coward and more just human.
At my most ugliest moments of being a coward, it was easier to be hard on myself than to accept things as they are- especially myself.
My fears assumed the worse in the world and myself. To be brave is to accept not just the worst or best thing that could happen, but accepting all that could happen- and that you will be able to handle it.
Ultimately, I turned away from my fears because I was tired of being afraid. I was tired of accepting less than I wanted, for asking for less than I deserved. I didn’t want my life to be defined by my fears, but my wants, and wishes, and by my character.
And every time I decided to act against my fears, I was rewarded. With an expanded perspective of life, a deeper understanding of myself, tough lessons, and precious memories. It was always so much more than what my fear protected me from.
I’ll tell you what freedom is to me. No fear. -Nina Simone
Fear and love
Fear and love are intertwined because love and loss are.
Love is a great setting where fear is often mistaken as the destructive enemy than one own self. For example, fearing losing someone because you love them.
The feeling of fear is real, but it’s not the inevitable truth.
Being fearful doesn’t make them any less or more likely to leave, but how you express that fear will. A fear of losing your partner can motivate you to mediate their importance in your life, how to reflect that in your actions, and how your biases, traumas and assumptions can affect the relationship. If the fear makes you exert over control over them and resent them, then your actions made it difficult, not the fear. If you are afraid and you decide to love anyway, you are brave.
How to make peace with fear?
While making peace with my fear had a lot to do with accepting reality and my own resiliency, there are other things that help make a coward’s life more palatable.
Therapy helps you name your fears, and recognize the different ways to react to it. Self awareness helps you accept your fears, unlearn your maladaptive ways and actually act on what you learn in therapy. Loving friends and being in community help you when these two are not enough.
I may never lose any of my fears. Uncertain situations and novelty reacquaint me with them, time and time again. Traveling solo, my fears come up daily. Fear is my constant companion, but not my dictator.
I try not to always believe my fears, or on occasions when that’s harder than usual, I can still acknowledge them without acting on them. As I get braver, I can act despite being afraid. The more times I am brave, easier it gets to trust myself more than my fears.
Two supportive supplements to make fear more palatable:
Gratitude: even if my worst fears come true, and I suffer loss, focusing on what else is present in my life can soothe the pain.
Being present: Fear is an immortal enemy, and can can grow in size when viewed from the past or future. Sometimes you’re only as strong as surviving the present moment. That’s all you really need, though, until the next moment.
A note on fear’s baby cousin: shyness
The best way to deal with shyness is to acknowledge it’s not always modest quality, but an ego-centric one. To be shy is to center yourself in the experience, of how you might be perceived, of how unrelatable everyone else seems, rather to focus in your purpose in the situation. It’s also to lack the imagination that other human beings in the room could possibly share a similarity, like a love of birds, or that differences might make a relationship interesting rather than uncomfortable.
The end to fear
“There are no answers, only choice.” -Stanislaw Len
In the end, there is no right way to live life- neither as a coward or as a “brave person”, but only decisions to make, based on what is true to you.
What is your relationship to fear? What are the big fears that come up often, or strongly influence, your life?
When was the last time you acted against your fears? What was that experience like?