I love questions- big, probing questions, questions that not just elicit information but explore meaning. The best questions refine curiosity, not provide conclusive answers. The purpose of a good question is to grasp at possibilities, not to eliminate uncertainty.
I love to ask these kind of questions to everyone, from startled strangers, unprepared first dates, to reacquaint myself with old friends. Questions can be a guiding light to an otherwise opaque inner psyche, and they don’t always have to be serious (for example, a recent favorite is: what’s an evil job you’d be really good at?)
I ask a lot questions of myself too, but I like to torture myself with the existential angsty kind. Who am I? How do I live to my full potential? What makes for a meaningful live? What should I do with my life?
I tried working through these questions in different aspects of my life. I worked in digital media, where my love for learning and writing was applied practically in integrated marketing. I love to learn, so I treated myself to classes every year, from trapeze classes to art classes. I never went straight home after work, going to panels on the philosophy of love or late night dance parties. I traveled every few months, from national parks to international cities. I volunteered, especially in the Asian American activism scene, where I’ve met my most formative friends and discerned my values.
The truth was, I was often unsatisfied, constantly distracting myself with busyness and stimulation, always questioning: is this it? Is this my life?
When I became a digital nomad during the pandemic, the question “is this my life” took on a different intonation, now imbued with wonder and awe. Every day filled me with gratitude, every place provided perspective.
That period of my life made me feel alive, and feel closer to answering those pesky questions of identity, purpose and potential.
In trying out these different lives and identities and communities, I realized those broad existential questions could be simply answered, with a much better one: How do I become more of myself? How do I be more fully me?
Becoming wholly myself is my fullest potential. It’s meaningful because it’s actually quite hard to do; people don’t embody who they are often enough- if they do it at all. Being myself is all I can do, it’s what I can be best at, and that’s good enough.
My only job is to become more of myself with every passing year. It’s to show up in all the ways that feel aligned and true to me.
I’m taking a sabbatical because I want to start earnestly dedicate myself to exploring what it takes to be me. I want to know how I’ll spend my time and energy when I’m obligated to spend it only in ways I want to. I want to know which settings, activities, and people I would align with, when I am consciously creating the environments to do so.
I knew I always wanted to take a sabbatical, and I know doing it will make me become more of the self I want to be. It’s a life experience that aligns with my interests, would be a step towards the person I want to become, and I know I’d regret it if I didn’t do it. Like any big, hard thing that seems only meaningful to you, you have to do it or else you turn into someone you might not have intended to.
In Jacob Needleman’s The Heart of Philosophy, he states, “Our culture has generally tended to solve its problems without experiencing its questions.”
“How do become more myself?” Is my deep, question I intend to experience for the rest of my life. I’ll let it haunt me, guide me in difficult decisions, and reinforce my confidence against social resistance. Maybe I’ll never definitively be able to answer it… but what a fun process to try to figure it out.
This newsletter is documenting the sabbatical I intend to use to start earnestly exploring this questing. I’m really writing to myself, to the past-Nancy that thought about these things but was too afraid to do anything about it, from the now-Nancy doing it and trying to figure out how it works.
Coming up and pondering questions can be fun, but there comes a point where thinking through the solution becomes unproductive, and you have to get up and try to figure it out through real-life risks and lessons.
I’m sure there’s still a ton of more questions from this. Why do I refer this as a sabbatical and not just break? What am I doing during this sabbatical? Where am I?!
I’ll answer all those along the way, and end each post with questions too.
When was the last time you felt like your self? With who and doing what makes you feel like yourself?
What scares you about being seen?
